Dear Rachel,
I must tell you that while I completely support your efforts to become healthier and teach your cutest-little-boy-in-the-world about nutrition, I was honestly sad to hear you say you might be giving up your Starbucks gold card. I mean, do you really have to give up that fancy flashy thing with your name on it? Can't you just start getting herbal tea or skim/skinny lattes instead?
While it may be the hardest thing in the world to find...maybe the key really is finding a balance between eating right and still being able to live life and enjoy things like Starbucks or cookies...if you or someone you know finds this balance please let me know, because the truth is I never could.
I lost weight in the past before, but one of my darkest confessions is I was never proud of the way I did it...throughout my teen years I was a crash dieter and I think this is one of the main reasons I have the health problems I have today.
Here's how it started:
As a teenage girl, especially a teenage girl that carried a few extra pounds on her, eating was never something to be proud of. Teenage boys can be ruthless in what they say about what girls look like and what girls eat. At twelve and thirteen they will say it to your face. These are the nicknames boys made up for me in middle school:
"Double D" later converted to "DD"
"An-jello"
"Fatass"
"Butch"
They would change the "Your mama's so fat..." jokes to "You're so fat...."
They would come and take food out of my lunch that they said was bad for me and eat it themselves (once they even broke into my locker for it).
A boy I liked said, "You'd be pretty if you were thinner."
I never told them that what they were doing/saying was wrong because as a kid I figured they were just telling me the truth. Most of the time I just nodded in agreement.
I think I began to gain most of the weight I put on around seventh grade. I'm not sure what caused this perhaps it was my parent's divorce or quitting soccer and just doing ballet to become more "lady-like" and less "Butch." Whatever the reason the teasing just got worse and the weight wasn't coming off...then a friend of mine got a lot of attention-particularly from boys- and began to drop weight by not eating at all and I decided to join her...in fact we made it a competition.
The rules to our competition:
1. In order to ward off parent suspicion when pushed we could eat one portion of one meal per day
2. We could have as many liquids as we wanted, but could not blend any food and call it a liquid
3. Other than that we would eat nothing and the first person to crack lost
and yes people...those boys...did place bets on us, most against me.
Now, I am proud to say that after about a month, I lost this competition. However, I was not proud to lose at the time. I lost because during the competition I was pirouetting in ballet and I blacked out, fell over and they had to feed me something so that I felt better.
I lost over 10lbs during this time, but let me tell you something very , very VERY important. With crash dieting once you're done dieting, you gain back more weight than you originally started with and so in the end I only ended up getting bigger when all was said and done.
The competition with my friend was one of the most extreme crash diets I went on. I did it throughout my teen years, but remember one other extreme time...before my senior prom. I had just seen Moulin Rouge. I thought Nicole Kidman was the epitome of beauty
and therefore had my heart set on a red dress like the one she wore in her elephant. I tried on red dress after red dress for about two months, went dress shopping EVERYWHERE to all the corners of the state and NONE of them fit.
I was also in the school play "Guys and Dolls" at the time and they could not find a beautiful twenties style dress in the costume shop to fit me...they ended up giving me a blouse that someone who played a grandma wore in the previous play.
At first I tried to eat healthy. I was constantly exercising at rehearsal for the play and dance, but when I still couldn't find a dress...I decided I wouldn't eat another bite until I fit into a dress. During lunch I did homework and I was never home for my mom to see I wasn't eating dinner.
This crash diet was self-inflicted, I was educated enough by now to know what I was doing was wrong and bad so I told no one...I only ate when I felt like I was going to pass out or started to black out. When this happened, I would get crackers out of a vending machine. However, once I only ate half the package because I felt like there was too much butter brushed on them.
I think because I was bigger no one ever noticed I wasn't eating and everyone kept saying how good I looked, one of my dance teacher's even gasped with excitement.
A week before prom and 30lbs lighter, I found that perfect red dress, but I began eating again immediately after prom and of course I found the weight plus a few extra pounds again.
I am proud to say, I have not crash dieted since I hit my twenties. On the other hand, I am disappointed to say I have never been as thin as I was on crash diets either.
Rachel my friend, I want to do it the right way this time. I want to lose weight because I became healthier, not because I stopped eating and am blacking out all the time.
Ultimately, I believe the crash dieting permanently slowed my metabolism and is the reason for my heart/high blood pressure problems and when it comes down to it...is what is screwing me now.
Signed,
Angela
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